As I went home on a Monday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a horse outside the door where my old horse should be
Well I calls me wife and I says to her, Would you kindly tell to me
Who owns that horse outside my house where my old horse should be?
Well you're drunk, you're drunk, you silly old fool
Until you cannot see
That is a lovely sow that my mother sent to me
Well it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a sow sure I never saw before
As I went home on a Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a coat behind the door where my old coat should be
Well I calls me wife and I says to her, Would you kindly tell to me
Who owns that coat behind the door where my old coat should be?
Well you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool
Until you cannot see
That is a lovely blanket that my mother sent to me
Well it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But buttons on a blanket sure I never saw before
As I went home on a Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a pipe upon the chair where my old pipe should be
Well I calls me wife and I says to her, Would you kindly tell to me
Who owns that pipe upon the chair where my old pipe should be?
Well you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool
Until you cannot see
That is a lovely tin whistle that my mother sent to me
Well it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But tobacco in a tin whistle sure I never saw before
As I went home on a Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be
Well I calls me wife and I says to her, Would you kindly tell to me
Who owns those boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be?
Well you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool
Until you cannot see
They are two lovely geranium pots that my mother sent to me
Well it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But laces in geranium pots I never saw before
As I went home on a Friday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a head inside the bed where my old head should be
Well I calls me wife and I says to her, Would you kindly tell to me
Whose is that head inside the bed where my old head should be?
Well you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool
Until you cannot see
That is a baby boy that my mother sent to me
Well it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a baby boy with his whiskers on sure I never saw before
As I went home on Saturday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a hand upon her breast where my old hand should be
Well I calls me wife and I says to her, Would you kindly tell to me
Whose is that hand upon your breast where my old hand should be?
Well you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool
Until you cannot see
That is a lovely nightgown that my mother sent to me
Well it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a nightgown with fingers sure I never saw before
As I went home on a Sunday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a thing between her legs where my old thing should be
Well I calls me wife and I says to her, Would you kindly tell to me
Whose is that thing between her legs where my old thing should be?
Well you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool
Until you cannot see
That is a lovely shillelagh that my mother sent to me
Well it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But testicles on a shillelagh sure I never saw before
Alternative last verse:
As I went home on a Sunday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a man run out the door a little after three
Well I calls me wife and I says to her, Would you kindly tell to me
Who was that man ran out the door a little after three?
Well you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool
Until you cannot see
That is a tax collector that the English sent to me
Well it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But an Englishman that could last all night sure I never saw before